My dog died over break. That definitely sucked. Please don't comment and tell me how sorry you are; I don't wish to relieve it every day. I appreciate all good thoughts you guys send toward me and I will accept them graciously. I just... don't want to talk about it. I loved Ranger and I have good memories but I need some time to heal.

In other news, I have $70 to my name right now, and that's only because I worked over break. If I hadn't worked (like I'd been planning) I would officially be in the negative integers now as far as cash flow is concerned. I've been thinking about things lately and I've realized that I have to get a job next semester. It doesn't have to be as involved as transferring the the Wegmans in Johnson City; I think I might be eligible for work study next year, and if I am I'm going to get a job in the library or something. If not, I'll find something. They've got a recruitment page on Binghamton's website. Since I'm not being productive otherwise, I'll swing over there tonight and have a look.

The loan I have to take out next semester is going to be ridiculously large. I'll have to sit down this summer and try to calculate how much my bill will be, based on this semester alone. This semester's tuition was about $8500-$9000 and FAFSA covered about half, so if I take out $20,000 I should be set. Whatever I have left over can carry into junior year. That's going to be a bitch to pay for... that's the year I want to study abroad in Ireland. I'll probably have to take out the maximum amount on my loan to pay for airfare, tuition, and other shit. Common sense would tell me to stay here because it's cheaper, but I want to go so badly. I want to go see a little bit of the world while I'm still young and able. Once I graduate from college, I definitely won't be able to travel for a long, long time.

I hate money. I should just move to Europe and go to school there. Their college tuition is disgustingly cheap. Bastards. Maybe I'll just stay in Ireland if I like it enough.

I fucking wish...

I always thought it was a bad thing to be awkward and uncomfortable, but this guy IMed me today that has me wondering. He says he knows me from the radio station at Bing, which is entirely possible because I don't pay any attention to the people that trail in and out of that place. I probably did meet him and just forgot; my memory was never good. In any event, we had an extremely awkward conversation earlier in the afternoon that led me to believe he was a total creeper. I'd forgotten all about that conversation (and him) until about 10 seconds ago, when he IMed me again. He apologized for making things awkward earlier, and I told him it was fine (honestly, I wasn't that bothered). I mentioned that I don't like being uncomfortable or awkward, and he replied, "You should learn to embrace being awkward. 70% of life is awkward."

No one has ever said that to me before. No one's ever shown me that take on things. It was an interesting moment of revelation that helped me deal not only with the conversation but also with stuff that's ensued with Matt.

Life's pretty fucked up right now. I just don't know how to really function. College is... not what I expected. It's inherently weirder, and more debilitating.

I'm a ridiculous prat. I'm the kind of girl that sits down and watches Bridget Jones' Diary, then lays at awkward angles on her bed, pretending someone else is next to her when in fact she's entirely alone. I'm embarrassed to say I'm the kind of girl that closes her eyes and imagines there's someone there running their lips along her neck and may actually look like she's having an epileptic fit of mental ecstasy because the idea of that event taking place is so utterly astronomical that she must make do with her imagination, and her imagination can be quite a powerful tool.

I'm the girl who's 19, going on 20 this December, and is still a virgin in every sense of the word. I'm the girl who's had one semi-serious relationship throughout her entire adolescence and even that only lasted three weeks. I'm the girl who forced herself to that think dating was not important, said it didn't matter if she was with someone or alone, when fact she dreamed every day that some Prince Charming would catch her eye in class or bump into her on the street and immediately be charmed by her goofy smile, her bashfulness around strangers, or maybe even her awkward, sometimes gawky movements.

I'm not graceful or beautiful; I wasn't engineered to be a proper lady. I'm lewd, I drink, I swear, I make inappropriate jokes in serious situations, I'm intelligent, I'm obnoxious, and I'm loud. I'm not the kind of girl you put in a ball gown, hand a champagne flute, and tell to mingle so that she might elevate the station of her friend or significant other.

I'm the girl who's been alone her entire life, and while I haven't been afraid of being alone (in fact, I sometimes treasure it), I've been terrified of the lonely emptiness I often feel when I realize that friendship is not nearly as important to others as romance or love. I could live my entire life content with friendship, but friends have lives of their own. For once, I want someone to devote themselves to me. Not worship me, but to drop everything for me if I need them really badly.

I'm the girl who sits here on her blog and talks about how much she wants to be romanced, but in reality I'm scared of it. I'm scared to even try because I've had my heart broken by so many boys who were careless. I've had crushes, and maybe I've even loved one boy, but I've been set aside as the friend for most of my life.

I'm the girl next door, the girl that a boy tells everything to but doesn't love her back in the way she wants, doesn't show gratitude in the manner she longs for.

I'm just... a mess of contradictions, and desperately lonely.

Thank God I've only got four more days of class left. It definitely sucks that I have a mid-term Wednesday and there's no hope for me, but whatever. All I can do is study hard and pray. I'm pretty sure I'll bomb, though.

I've also been checking around for place to get a student loan from. I fucked up my first loan, so now I'm looking at Citibank. Hopefully, I won't have to have a cosigner. That could save my parents a lot of hassle.

I need to do my FAFSA over spring break and send that in as well. Maybe I can do it next Sunday, when I don't have to work.

Oh yeah. I forgot. I have a $150 phone bill to pay this month. Fucking great.

I got über protective of how well I know Matt today. Someone basically phrased a challenge as to how well I know him, and I immediately got angry.

What's wrong with me?

When the hell did I start to care? When did Matt become the trigger for all my emotions, not just the mushy ones?

Fuck, man. Stupid boy.