All right, I can't give total specifics, like names or anything, but I can tell you the situation. One of my friends and her boyfriend.....they're having some major ass problems. They're two totally different people, but from the conversation I just read, it looks like my friend is the only one holding them together anymore. He just doesn't care, not at all. He thinks it might be better if they were apart.....she pleaded with him to stay. Is it right for me to want them to end? I can't help it, I'm not a huge fan of this guy.....but I don't want to interfere for the sake of our friendship. Ahh, damn summer.....

I don't know.....after the conversation and knowing what I do, I don't know.....there was a time when I might have had all the answers, if the circumstances had been different, but they're not. They're the weirdest fucking circumstances I've ever seen. It's all even more messed up because this friend of mine.....she's so distant sometimes, so out of touch with everyone and everything that I feel like she's beyond help. Like even if she wanted help and we wanted to help her, it wouldn't be possible. I don't know.....she's so distant.....so far away from this world.....so enclosed in her world of darkness that I can't even think on the same wavelength with her anymore. It's like she's becoming one of those people in the books who are so wise, so smart, so in touch with the other side that they're falling out of touch with this side.....like one of the people that starts out good and ends up bad, bad with a rotten heart from experiencing only the evil in the universe.

I'm getting all insightful again, so I'll just roll with this.....this entire train of thought, it's progressing s quickly.....from my friend and her troubles to the troubles of the universe to the thoughts in my twisted mind. I was talking to Rachel and Aubrey last night, and I have to say that last night was definately NOT a good night. After I stopped crying, I got distant and just sat and stared, letting my mind wander. I said the strangest things.....

"I'm so caught up in my little imaginary worlds, writing about beautiful sights and amazing deeds, things I can't do myself, heroes and villains, danger and hope, things that only the mind can fathom, things that aren't possible, but things that I wish were real. If everything was like one of my stories, I wouldn't be lost at all. I'd know where to go, what to do.....I wouldn't feel so lost, so off the map..... It's like my spirit is caught in the wind, whipped helplessly by one land after another, never stopping, never ceasing. I feel like I'm just existing for no reason.....a spirit lost in the web of time, an entity without a purpose except to haunt and see what might have been. I feel like I'll never find myself, like I'll only find the material things. Right now, as I'm typing this to you, my eyes are closed..... I know every key, its place on this board, its purpose in the scheme of things. Alone, each key is insignificant.....together, they create words more powerful than the purest angel or the evilest demon. That's what I am in this world. Alone, I don't matter, but combinded with the masses, I am somebody. I don't want to be like that.....I want to be important on my own.....I want people to know me, just me.....I don't want to die without people knowing my name."

That's what I said last night to my friends.....that was me touching my own spirit. I never thought it was possible, and I didn't even see it until now. One tiny shred of my soul detatched itself for a moment and took over my body. From my fingertips flowed the meaning of my life, the meaning of my stories, the meaning of everything in my existence, but it was not my mind.....it was my soul, my pure soul controlling my body, controlling my fingers to spell out these words that told a story, a story about me and my seeming insignificance but my want, my need to be greater than that. I do not want to be a mere puzzle piece. just happy to have a small place in the world.....I want to be the puzzle piece that tells you what the entire picture is going to be, the essential piece. I don't want to be one insignificant soldier, fighting in a mass of other soldiers. I want to be them all, a force to strong that it will tear down all in its path, a wave of water that will break upon a stone wall and have it come crashing down.....I want to be the one to change the world.