Mmm... today was horribly reminiscent of summers past; everything reminded me of 6th grade, 7th grade, and all that came in between. It was a good feeling at first, to have such innocent memories come flooding back to me, but it quickly became painful. I remember the depression I used to (and still do) suffer from; the empty, lonely nights I spent on the computer, finding no solace; the cat fights with people parading as my friends. Looking back, I see clearly how my younger years were a lot of torment with little reward for my struggle except for my eventual growth into a more-than-slightly disturbed young adult.

I'm rather determined not to let that happen to me this summer, or any summer that's yet to come. I'm sick of the heartache I've willingly endured, and for what? Friendship? Money? Love?

I'm barely endowed with the first (thought I am, undoubtedly, endowed with it nonetheless; that I can't deny), sadly lacking in the second, and have a strong, unnatural hate for the third. No, my fighting, clawing, and screaming have all been in vain. I understand that now and I will not allow myself to be so seduced by lies anymore. I am making a vow to be as truly intelligent as many think I am; I want to cast of the emotional shackles of this world and feel nothing. I want to be a purely rational human being. Without sense, there is nothing, and the world often lacks sense. Why else would I be such a pessimist?

A fellow artist on DeviantArt put pessimism in the best words I've yet to read. She said, "They call it pessimism so they can deny the world is really this bad." She spoke nothing but the truth, and I can no longer identify with any other meaning of the word. The world truly is as bad as the worst thinkers believe; it is as bereft of light as the optimists deny. I am pessimism; I have begotten negativity, and now it begets me in return. I am a creature of the dark, damned side of every human being, and I am slowly learning to accept it and, if not embrace it, then to use it to my own advantages.

I've made a lot of promises to myself as of late but never once have I thought I might fail in my ambitions. One would think that, considering my past tendencies toward miserable failure, I would assess risk and failure a lot better these days (not to mention more often). Alas, as a product of pessimism and anger, what is the use in assessing risk? The world is dark and bleak; it cannot have much farther to fall into the abyss. If I fail, I shall try again, only a different route will be taken.

Ah, the oxymoron of optimism for pessimistic motivation.

I've some more thinking to do tonight, I believe, and some decisions to make about the path my life will take in the coming months. Things are quite uncertain at this time; it's now or never that I must choose between the road less taken or the favored highway. Knowing my aptitude for masochism, I'll probably elect to crash through the brambles of emotional trauma.

How delightful...

P.S. In the middle of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I haven't gotten far, but I'll probably post my opinions about it all once I've finished. And shhh! No spoilers!

P.S.S. Acorn sucks. I got put off for three days for a buggered knee and suddenly, I've been erased from the schedule up until next Saturday. I'm going to quit... once I get another job. Fucking asshole managers.

Your EQ is 60

50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick! 51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese. 71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely. 91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that. 111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt. 131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin. 150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.